Fasting - I must be doing it wrong

It's the morning of day 2.  I began my fast Sunday at sun down... and now, it's Tuesday morning.
I'm hungry,
I have a headache
and I am really trying to figure out why...

 Actually I know why, because I haven't eaten...

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My life, my worldly life, is in turmoil right now. One, I lost my job almost a month ago, the job search is... well to be honest, the job search isn't.  Two, the money that I thought would last us for a couple of months till we find a job, isn't going as far as I wanted. And third, the thing that seemingly started this entire journey - My trip to Africa - I am struggling to raise the funds to go...

I digress... Fasting, I must be doing it wrong.  At least, that's how I felt when I woke up this morning.  This is only the second time in my life that I have fasted, and I would not consider the first time a successful endeavor... So why this time, why now... 

A little over a month ago, God stepped into my life in a very large way.  In a thunderous voice he declared his authority over my life and took control.  For the first several weeks, I was on a spiritual high like I have never experienced.  Two main themes, or stories set themselves in motion...

First, I was fired.  From the moment it happened I was at peace.  I believed, and still believe that God has something in mind.  That he is calling me to a specific purpose.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he is about to do something amazing in my life... BUT... why is there always a but?  I don't know what I expected... I guess I expected that God would act in my time frame... that things were going to happen, and they were going to happen right now... even as I would talk with friends and acknowledge that God works in his time, and in his way... I knew that God would not keep me waiting... that God was going going to give me bigger, and better.... and sooner...

Two, God called me to a trip to Africa.  A trip that because I am now unemployed,  I have the time to go and no one can stop... And a trip that because I am unemployed, I can no longer afford to take.  How can God call me to something so great, and then take away my ability to go... Again, I believed that this call was from God and that people would immediately be calling me, offering to pay for my trip (which several have, but not enough...) and so I wait...

So, what should any good Christian do... I should set aside a time a prayer, fasting and study.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I spread the word to a few close friends, a couple even agreed to fast with me, others offered to lift my family in prayer to God... I found my bible, I put away the food, and I sat... 

At first I prayed... or I tried, I'm not sure what I was supposed to pray..
And I read, well I flipped through the pages, not sure what I was supposed to read...
I got hungry... so I prayed again...
and I waited...

Where was the epiphany? Where was the angel from God delivering my answer? Where is this great understanding and wisdom that I was supposed to gain from this experience?

I must be doing this wrong...

Maybe, the problem is me... or rather "I". 

"I want..."
"I need..."
"I can't find a job..."
"I can't get me to Africa..."
"I am fasting, so I can find the answer..."
"I expected..."

A good friend keeps telling me that this is not MY story.

Last night, I really didn't see the point.  I was really hungry, my head was killing me and I figured I'll just eat a couple of crackers, just enough to trick my body... But I didn't... I told myself, "it's just a headache, this is a choice you are choosing to deny yourself to get closer to God." As I got ready for bed, I had a realization... the reason I was fasting, the reason I didn't eat the crackers... God is enough.

Maybe I am doing this wrong... or maybe God is waiting for me to let go.  I am still trying to tell my story.  I am trying to fix my life, with God's help of course... but maybe, just maybe God is waiting for me to let him fix my life, ad he doesn't need my help...

Maybe, by fasting, by being hungry, by having a headache, by not knowing what to read or what to pray... maybe I will realize that it's not about me...

Don't blink, don't look away... don't take your eyes off of the cross... I don't want you to miss a single second... this is God's story and something amazing is about to happen.

Profound statement -

I have been trying for days to come up with something profound...

For the last several years I have maintained a blog called The Pontificating Fool.  When I started the blog I chose the name very intentionally. I have always had plenty of things to say, opinions on pretty much everything.  Some of my statements were rather profound (in my own head), some of them were about absolutely nothing, and I'm told a few of them were actually inspirational to other people... But the truth is, I didn't care.  I saw myself as a pontificating fool, someone just spouting off thoughts with little to no regard for what others thought...

Did I mention I'm a Christian? What does that have to do with anything? Well...

I have been a Christian for most of my life, I was baptized when I was 13 years old in April of 1987.  I love to study the word and discuss religion, I have always believed that God inspires me to write... poetry, stories, devotionals and more.  Some of these things I have shared, many I have kept to myself... some, I shared with the world while claiming to be a fool.

Over the last 6 months, God has been working on me (probably a lot longer than that).  I am finding myself being called to share the inspirations and stories that God has placed in my heart.  In addition, I am choosing to listen to God's call to get involved with missions... To GO and spread his word...

At no point in my life, has God called me to pontificate, and he certainly hasn't called me to be a fool...

And so, I sit here... waiting for God to gives me words to put on paper... hoping for some profound thought or idea that will make everyone want to read my blog... and maybe that's why I'm blank... A friend of mine keeps reminding me:

it's not about what I want...

it's not about my story...

it's not about my blog...

It's about God's story.

So instead of something profound.  This is just an introduction.  A first post. An invitation to join me as I seek to discover where God has to lead me.  I believe that God is getting ready to do something amazing.  So don't blink, I don't want you to miss it.