It's the morning of day 2. I began my fast Sunday at sun down... and now, it's Tuesday morning.
I'm hungry,
I have a headache
and I am really trying to figure out why...
Actually I know why, because I haven't eaten...
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My life, my worldly life, is in turmoil right now. One, I lost my job almost a month ago, the job search is... well to be honest, the job search isn't. Two, the money that I thought would last us for a couple of months till we find a job, isn't going as far as I wanted. And third, the thing that seemingly started this entire journey - My trip to Africa - I am struggling to raise the funds to go...
I digress... Fasting, I must be doing it wrong. At least, that's how I felt when I woke up this morning. This is only the second time in my life that I have fasted, and I would not consider the first time a successful endeavor... So why this time, why now...
A little over a month ago, God stepped into my life in a very large way. In a thunderous voice he declared his authority over my life and took control. For the first several weeks, I was on a spiritual high like I have never experienced. Two main themes, or stories set themselves in motion...
First, I was fired. From the moment it happened I was at peace. I believed, and still believe that God has something in mind. That he is calling me to a specific purpose. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he is about to do something amazing in my life... BUT... why is there always a but? I don't know what I expected... I guess I expected that God would act in my time frame... that things were going to happen, and they were going to happen right now... even as I would talk with friends and acknowledge that God works in his time, and in his way... I knew that God would not keep me waiting... that God was going going to give me bigger, and better.... and sooner...
Two, God called me to a trip to Africa. A trip that because I am now unemployed, I have the time to go and no one can stop... And a trip that because I am unemployed, I can no longer afford to take. How can God call me to something so great, and then take away my ability to go... Again, I believed that this call was from God and that people would immediately be calling me, offering to pay for my trip (which several have, but not enough...) and so I wait...
So, what should any good Christian do... I should set aside a time a prayer, fasting and study. I have no idea what I'm doing. I spread the word to a few close friends, a couple even agreed to fast with me, others offered to lift my family in prayer to God... I found my bible, I put away the food, and I sat...
At first I prayed... or I tried, I'm not sure what I was supposed to pray..
And I read, well I flipped through the pages, not sure what I was supposed to read...
I got hungry... so I prayed again...
and I waited...
Where was the epiphany? Where was the angel from God delivering my answer? Where is this great understanding and wisdom that I was supposed to gain from this experience?
I must be doing this wrong...
Maybe, the problem is me... or rather "I".
"I want..."
"I need..."
"I can't find a job..."
"I can't get me to Africa..."
"I am fasting, so I can find the answer..."
"I expected..."
A good friend keeps telling me that this is not MY story.
Last night, I really didn't see the point. I was really hungry, my head was killing me and I figured I'll just eat a couple of crackers, just enough to trick my body... But I didn't... I told myself, "it's just a headache, this is a choice you are choosing to deny yourself to get closer to God." As I got ready for bed, I had a realization... the reason I was fasting, the reason I didn't eat the crackers... God is enough.
Maybe I am doing this wrong... or maybe God is waiting for me to let go. I am still trying to tell my story. I am trying to fix my life, with God's help of course... but maybe, just maybe God is waiting for me to let him fix my life, ad he doesn't need my help...
Maybe, by fasting, by being hungry, by having a headache, by not knowing what to read or what to pray... maybe I will realize that it's not about me...
Don't blink, don't look away... don't take your eyes off of the cross... I don't want you to miss a single second... this is God's story and something amazing is about to happen.
